Giving in
by chi1986
Summary: Just a quickly written piece focusing on Merry and Pippin's relationship after an argument where Pippin's true feelings come out. Probably set sometime pre-quest. SlashShounen Ai warning!


Title: Giving in . . .  
Author: Chiron Childress  
Author's Email: chichan86hotmail.com  
Pairings: Merry/Pip  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Just a quickly written piece focusing on Merry and Pippin's relationship after an argument where Pippin's true feelings come out. Probably set sometime pre-quest. Slash/Shounen Ai warning!  
Disclaimer: I don't own Merry or Pippin. Lord of the Rings and all characters are copyrighted J.R.R Tolkien.  
_"Merry . . . I love you, Merry!"_  
  
Those words repeat over and over in my head. They're driving me mad as I sit, staring into my ale as if I'm searching for an answer to my misery. I usually love the Green Dragon, but I can't find any enjoyment here tonight, sitting alone in the corner.  
  
Those words . . . It wasn't the first time Pippin has said them to me, but it was the first time he had meant them in a less than innocent way.  
  
It makes my stomach knot to think of all the times I've taken Pip in my arms and asked him to say that he loves me. Asked him how much he loves me. I've led him on this entire time, haven't I?  
  
What is a young lad to think when one acts that way? But I was weak . . . it made me feel so good to hear him say how he feels. It made me confident, it made me feel like nothing in the world could stop me if only Pip was by my side.   
  
Why didn't I recognize that my own feelings had grown too strong for him? Why didn't I stop myself?  
  
I stand up, my legs are numb from sitting still for so long that I think I'm going to fall right back into my seat, but somehow I manage to make it out of the pub.  
  
It's started raining, but I don't mind. The coldness and dreariness of it match how I've felt all day, no, for weeks. I don't have any place in particular to go. I just start walking.  
  
Still I see Pippin's hurt face in my mind. I didn't mean to make him hurt, mind you, but two lads together isn't acceptable. Anyone with the slightest bit of Hobbit sense could tell that.  
  
Maybe I haven't got any though or at least much of it. I can't deny the feeling of happiness I felt when he said he loves me, or the fire I felt in my body when he hugged me, but I didn't let him kiss me. No, I never could let him do that.  
  
He has tried before when we've come home from the Green Dragon, or if he ever thought I was sleeping and maybe he could sneak one, or _that_ night.   
  
But I fear if he kisses me, I'll never want to let him go.   
  
I'm afraid if he lets me taste him I'll keep him next to me forever and make him mine. It's that part of me that I fear the most. The part that needs him, that part that wants every part of that smooth, perfects body of his.  
  
I feel so foolish for not seeing his feelings. All those times he tried to kiss me, I assured myself he was just a curious young Hobbit that wanted to see what it felt like.  
  
But I was wrong.  
  
Somehow I hadn't seen the young lad walking down the street and I had barely felt it when I collided into him. We both hit the ground and scurry up. I get to my feet first and offer my hand.  
  
"I... I didn't see you there," I say, noticing how tiny my voice has become. I notice my eyes are even burning with unshed tears.  
  
The young lad looks up at me and pushes the hood from his now muddy cloak off his head and my heart skips a beat to see that it is Pippin. He looks like he hasn't slept for weeks and that probably is the case knowing the young Took. He's so pale and his eyes are so red. He's been crying.  
  
It seems maybe he had the same idea as me to go to the Green Dragon to forget. His eyes are tearing up again and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to swallow the lump in my throat.  
  
Pippin looks so vulnerable and miserable that I have the urge to pull him to me and protect him or at least just let him know I love him like old times. But I can't do that . . . Because this time, it wasn't someone who had beat him for pushing them too far, or a fight with his siblings, or anything that would be healed in time . . .   
  
It was I. I hurt him and I couldn't make it right.  
  
The realization sinks in and the tears start to fall. I never wanted to hurt him. I always thought I would rather die than cause him pain. He's still crying from the way I treated him. From the way that I ran from him when he had innocently trusted me with his feelings.   
  
Now I feel too filthy to ever hold him or ever lay my eyes on him again. I had broken his heart, I had broken _him_. I could feel everything I had ate that day wanting to climb back up my throat.  
  
I lower my eyes to the ground to avoid Pippin's gaze, but he jumps up and wraps his arms around me. He clings to me, sobbing, but I can't bring myself to embrace him. My arms limply hang at my sides like rocks too heavy to lift.  
  
"I'm sorry, Merry! Forgive me!" The young Took cries, choking on his own sobs.  
  
"I know I'm filthy! I'm disgusting, but I can't live without you, Merry! I can't!"  
  
My heart contracts painfully when I hear his words. My cheerful, pure Pippin shouldn't hurt because of me. He shouldn't think himself any less than wonderful.  
  
My . . . ?  
  
He's not mine.  
  
But still, my arms come up and hold him as tight as I can. He's lost weight. I'm afraid I'll break him if I hold him any tighter, but he doesn't seem to mind. He just clings to me. My mouth opens and words spill out as if of their own accord.  
  
"I'm filthy, too, Pip! I want you, but I can't have you . . . I-it just can't be."  
  
I lower my face until our foreheads' rest together. We're both crying. I never thought anything could be this painful. At this point, I don't care if the whole Shire sees us like this. I just want to be close to him. I want it to feel like back before all this happened.  
  
Finally, Pippin speaks, his voice weak and hoarse. "Say it, Merry, say that you love me and it _can_ be, please!"  
  
"Please, Merry!"  
  
With that, my strength crumbles and my resolve fails me. I kiss those forbidden, tempting lips that are so close to mine. I taste him and I realize I could get drunk off of it alone. He's sweet and spicy and I can taste ale still. He must have stopped off along the way to the Green Dragon.  
  
I groan and deepen the kiss even more as Pippin arches into me as if he's trying to mold his body to mine. As if we could really become one.   
  
I feel as if I'm clinging to him. As though if I didn't have him in my arms, I would fly away.  
  
When the dizziness becomes more than we both can handle is the only time we finally pull away from each other. I gaze at Pippin whose eyes are still closed. His breath is coming in short gasps. I think he looks beautiful. Perfect.  
  
And I finally realize that even if I wanted to, I couldn't ever push him away again.  
  
My mouth opens again, words spilling out before I have a chance to stop them, but it isn't like I would anyway.  
  
"I love you, Peregrin Took."  
  
Pippin's eyes shoot open and a smile brightens his face along with my heart. He hugs me so fiercely that I think we are going to fall to the muddy ground again. He laughs and when he pulls away, the tears I see are undeniably happy.  
  
"Really, Merry? Do you mean it?"  
  
I nod my head, realizing I'm grinning like an idiot. I also realize another thing . . . I have my Pip back.  
  
And that is the only thing in the world that matters to me right now.   
  
Fin 


End file.
